An Ode to Spenser: For Hire

My ultimate comfort show

When I was thirteen I got Toxic Shock Syndrome and almost died¹. After being released from the hospital, it took several months before I was well enough to return to school. I had horrible headaches, the skin on my hands and feet peeled off in large sheets, and the long-term high-dose antibiotics I had to take made me constantly nauseous. I was too embarrassed to tell friends why I was sick and sunk into myself completely. Being trapped at home was also definitively not a good thing for me. But both my parents were working, so I had a little freedom each day, and every afternoon the Lifetime channel aired two episodes² of Spenser: For Hire. Ten minutes before Spenser-time, I’d drag myself into the kitchen and make a huge bowl of popcorn with an obscene amount of salt.³ Then I’d sit on the scratchy plaid couch with our orange, yellow, and brown chevron-knit afghan wrapped around my shoulders, ready to escape into a world that made sense.

Robert Urich, who was handsome like Cary Grant, played Spenser, a private eye in Boston who often worked with his partner, Hawk, played by the equally handsome and effortlessly cool Avery Brooks. The list of guest stars includes actors like Sarah Michelle Gellar, Lawrence Fishburn, Angela Bassett, and Frances McDormand, back when they were day players. Spenser is a fighter, but he’s also a lover. He exercises at a boxing gym, and cooks recipes he learns from watching Julia Child. He struggles with his Catholic faith when his girlfriend, Susan, decides to have an abortion, but ultimately supports her right to choose.⁴ They stay together until she leaves to advance her career (but spoiler—are reunited in Season 3). Both women Spenser dates over the course of the series are extremely smart, have impressive careers, and challenge his opinions. Susan is a psychologist. Rita is the Assistant District Attorney. He treats them like people.⁵

In Spenser’s world, things don’t always go right; they aren’t always fair. There is fallout from his choices, even when he’s done the right thing. Spenser is fallible in action but ultimately proves to be unfailingly righteous in intention. We understand his disappointment when his good intentions are not enough. He talks about his struggles and feelings in warm, charming voice-over, and while his speeches are laden with film-noir cliches, it feels like he’s confiding in the viewer as a friend. At thirteen, alone, struggling with my home life, my health, and a shocking new understanding of my mortality, being Spenser’s friend was important to me. Having those episodes to look forward to pulled me from one day to the next. I wanted to be him. I wanted him to love me. I wanted to be Susan, and Hawk, and Rita too. I still have a blue beanie I bought as a kid because it looked like the one Spenser wears.

I’d searched for Spenser: For Hire episodes on streaming many times over the years, with no luck. Then today, on a quest for a photo of Robert Urich to send to a friend, I discovered that it’s free to watch on Tubi. I immediately clicked over and hit play on the first episode. The theme song made my heart swell and I felt a kind of joy and comfort I imagine some people get from the idea of going home. As a kid, I think I found my sense of home in escapism, and I’m sure objectively, there’s something sad about the fact that many of my favorite memories are from films, TV shows, and books, but I’m so thankful for them. The Spenser: For Hire theme song is a signal for my nervous system to calm. For the next forty-five minutes everything will be relatively okay, because even when things don’t go as planned and people make mistakes and bad things happen, Spenser will keep trying to do the best he can, Susan will help him tap into his conscience, and there’s always a good chance Hawk will show up to save the day.

This is why telling stories matters far beyond the original intention of the story itself — why we can never truly know who we’re writing for and how it will touch them. I am certain no one involved with making Spenser: For Hire had any inkling that the reruns would give a sick thirteen year old girl a reason to get up every day. They were telling the best story they could with the source material⁶ and resources they had. But it really and truly made a difference to me.

1. Which is another story for another time, if anyone is interested in hearing about it

2. I am pretty sure it was two, but my memory could be imperfect

3. I was probably unwittingly treating my POTS

4. In the 4th episode of the 1st season in 1985!

5. This is something I loved back then, and am even more thankful for now.

6. Spenser: For Hire is based on a series of books by Robert B. Parker